TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically known for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely away from spot. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But yes, sure, let us have A different position wherever American men can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though prior negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer everyone a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he ought to quit utilizing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You understand, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good men and women. Great tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping types an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after getting the building's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not just unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place company could ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "In case you Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advert campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "where's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is already attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even include:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort the place my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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